Family Therapy for ADHD: Healing the Whole System

 

When a young person struggles with ADHD, the entire family feels it. There can be late-night homework battles; chaotic stressful mornings; parents can think they are failing as a parent, feeling shame and other other painful feelings; the person with ADHD feels bad because they are getting the message from other family members that the family’s stress and struggles are their fault; that there is something wrong with them.

 

Why I Focus on the Family System

 

I've been working with adolescents with ADHD for over a decade: I’ve found that in most cases,  trying to help the teen with ADHD in isolation has limited effectiveness. As someone who grew up in a family with several members who had ADHD (myself included) I understand difficulties from both sides - the internal experience of a differently-wired brain and the family dynamics that develop around it.

 

Another consideration: adolescents with ADHD are typically 1-2 years behind their peers developmentally. Their executive functioning - the brain's command center for planning, impulse control, and self-reflection - is still coming online. Individual therapy often asks them to do something their brain isn't ready for yet.

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From Conflict and Stuckness to Understanding

 

In many families, parents and children get stuck in painful patterns. Some examples (in a family where ADHD is present):

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• One parent has to hyperfunction, being the executive functioning (The CEO) of the whole system. They don’t get to have much fun in this role.

• The other parent who might have ADHD gets to have more fun (causing resentment in their partner), but they often feel guilty and inadequate.

• The teen with ADHD carries the burden of "there's something wrong with me." They can end up being a scapegoat, the one with the problem (when actually everyone in the family has their own issues and problems). 

• The sibling of the “problem child” can be unconsciously pushed into the role of the “golden child” who has to be “perfect” in a way.

 

Family therapy can shift these kinds of dynamics. The system can become more flexible and resilient. Roles can be more fluid, less restrictive. This brings more playfulness and connection between all members in the system. Using Internal Family Systems, we explore how each person's inner system gets activated by the outer system. As family members understand each other’s internal world and understand the dynamics in the family system, this brings compassion and connection into the whole system. This results in not just the “problem child” feeling and functioning better, but everyone else as well.

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What This Looks Like

 

Rather than focusing all attention on the "identified patient," we work to create understanding and connection between family members. This might involve:

• Parents-only sessions to help you find your grounded center

• Whole family meetings where everyone's experience matters

• Flexible configurations based on what your family needs

 

My 30 years of meditation practice brings a particular quality to this work - the ability to hold space for intense emotions without getting reactive, to stay present and grounded with families when there are big emotions in the room. This and other interventions helps create a safe enough place to talk about things that have not been talked about.

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The Path Towards a Happier, Healthier Family

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When the family system settles, when connection begins to replace conflict, something can shift for the teen with ADHD. They become more emotionally regulated, less isolated with their struggles. These are exactly the conditions needed for developing executive functioning skills. And 

Over time, with practice and support, a person can move into what has been called "subclinical ADHD" - where the ADHD mind is not hindering life functioning. They can lean into the strengths of their neurodiversity. For example, they no longer hyper-focus on video games for six hours a day; now they use their super power for creative work, scientific research, building a startup, or working in a fast paced and dynamic work setting.

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What's Possible

 

I've witnessed families move from daily battles to genuine connection. Parents who felt like failures discover their own wisdom. Teens who felt broken recognize their unique gifts. Siblings find their place in a family system that has room for everyone's needs.

If any of this sounds familiar, or your interested in working in this way, I encourage you to contact me and we can talk about getting your family some help.